bad/awesome flixxx review: The Black Hole (1979)


"The word "impossible," Mr. Booth, is only found in the dictionary of fools." - Dr. Hans Reinhardt

"To quote Cicero: rashness is the characteristic of youth, prudence that of mellowed age, and discretion the better part of valor." - V.I.N.CENT

"A wolf remains a wolf, even if it has not eaten your sheep." - V.I.N.CENT

I know a ton of dudes will remember watching this as little young rockers. You probably didn't give a shit about what it was about except that it had to do with space and some robots! There was a ton of shit that came out around this time either right before or mostly right after the success of STAR WARS. I'm talking about shows and movies such as BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BUCK ROGERS, and the like. Every company was making space flicks, even Disney. Now Disney had a weird thing for a while where they made a shitload of flicks that weren't necessarily for kids (see WATCHER IN THE WOODS). Well, it was high time for me to go back and revisit this classic film. Anthony (Psycho) Perkins, Ernest Borgnine, Robert Forster, and the voices of Roddy McDowell & Slim Pickins star in THE BLACK HOLE!!!

Much like Star Wars- I had toys of this movie before I actually knew what the movie was all about. The USS Palamino is on a STAR TREK type mission. Seek out whatever's out there. They are at the end of their mission and about to return home to Earth, when they spot THE BIGGEST FUCKING BLACK HOLE THEY EVER SEEN. And what's that? A HUGE US space ship long thought to be lost. And how the Hell is it treading water there in space like that? It's not getting sucked into the hole and it's close as shit. Since the only chick aboard the Palamino's dad was the captain of that big ship, they decide to head in for a closer look.

They head in and get as close as they can and all of a sudden there is no pull from the hole anymore. Somehow the lost ship has figured out how to defy the laws of gravity and dock in space. But once out of its range, the Palamino is again being sucked into the void. They luckily escape the clutches of the hole, and then the lights come on on the big ship. They dock on the thing and are made to come inside sans laser pistols thanx to some unfriendly robuts. Once aboard they find the brilliant psycho genius Dr. Hans Reinhardt. He's creepy as Hell and has a robut army led by the ominous red Maximillian. He tells Max to lay off the guests. But no one trusts him except Anthony Perkins (who's name is Dr. Durand- possibly a nod to Durand Durand the mad space scientist from BARBARELLA).

The good guys have a robut named V.I.N.CENT who's very philosophical and quick to let everyone know he's never wrong. Which going back, I don't think he was at all. One thing I'll never understand is how the fuck the chick had ESP with a robot?! Maybe I just don't understand robots. I thought maybe humans could have ESP together, and maybe robots could read robots minds like R2-D2. But human/robot esp? It's unnatural. HA! Aboard the ship is an older model called Old Bob. Old Bob eventually helps the crew of the Palamino once they figure out that Reinhardt is super crazy. So there's a farm, a robot funeral, and then everyone is hip that the old crew didn't split, Reinhardt turned them into drone worker zombies. Fearing for their lives the crew decides to split except Dr. Durand. They keep trying to get him to leave but he's over it. He notices Reinhardt's genius even if he is crazy. Reinhardt wants to go INTO the black hole.

Ok, so as the shit gets closer and closer, Durand is killed, Max actually attacks Reinhardt who asks for the chick's help. Then Ernest Bornine splits but blows their ship Palamino up. Then they decide they'll have to leave by the drone ship. A HUGE flat screen tv falls on Reinhardt and he quotes Goethe as he croaks. "More light". Then the crew is splitting and they realize the ship is programmed to go into the Black hole and that's that. So they pray something cool happens. Now, the ending is up for interpretation... but it LOOKS like Maximillian and Reinhardt hug each other and all of a sudden Reinhardt is inside Max and he's standing at the top of a mountain in Hell. And all the drones are walking down the mountain. And then it looks like the chick is walking toward a tunnel full of crystals (heaven?) and then it shows the other side, and a planet and the probe hurtling through space toward it. TRIPPY. Kind of ends like 2001 a bit. Anyway... WEIRD SHIT! One of the only Disney flicks I can remember with cursing in it. I heard they ended up creating Hollywood Pictures and Touchstone Pictures so they could have more adult shit and keep it away from the Disney name... SHOULD YOU SEE IT???? Abso-lutely.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Gerald Abernethy