Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

"The trained mind does not need a watch. Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss." - Chiun

"It would be better for you to eat this can than what is inside of it. Why must everything in this country be coated with monositi-... monosoti..." - Chiun, "Monosodium glutamate. You can't even say it." - Remo, "I can say "rat droppings." That does not mean I want to eat them." - Chiun

"All I can promise you is terror for breakfast, pressure for lunch, and aggravation for sleep. Your vacations will be two minutes when you're not looking over your shoulder, and if you live to draw a pension, it'll be a miracle." - Conn

An old favorite of me and my pop. Here we have Fred Ward playing an ex cop turned super assassin. This film is based on the "Destroyer" men's novel series that began in 1971. A pretty bizarre little story that was supposed to serve as the introduction to a James Bond style character, in hopes of starting a franchise. When that didn't work they tried a television pilot. Then I guess they gave up. With a cameo by Wilford Brimley, this one always made me smile. I give you REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!!!

An ex-military cop gets a call out to some docks and is ambushed. Then his car is dumped in the river and he is presumed dead by his cop friends. They have a funeral for him and all that. When the cop comes to in the hospital, much to his surprise, his face has been rebuilt and some dude is standing over him telling him he's going to now be named after his bedpan. "Remo" isn't having it, so he tries to escape in an ambulance, only to find the dude is in the ambulance. His name is Macready. He takes him to meet his new boss, Wilford Brimley. 
Wilford tells Remo that he is now employed by a organization called CURE that operates outside of the government effectively policing it. He says the government is corrupt and its their job to keep them in line. Remo's job will be enforcer (or destroyer if you will). So Mac takes him to his first "assignment". He's supposed to kill the target inside. Remo tells the dude in there to watch out. The elderly Asian gentleman ends up being his target and dodges the bullets fired at him. The target ends up really being his trainer Chiun. He's there to show Remo that he has a lot to learn. And then we see that Chiun doesn't like him very much. Or really he thinks that theres no way he can get such an older man trained in time to be of any real benefit to their organization. Chiun is a master of a rare type of martial arts called Sinanju.

So we have a good portion of the movie devoted to Remo's training. There is much haranguing, jeering, and derision from Chiun who puts the pressure on hard. And in the spirit of ROCKY and KARATE KID, we have several montages of our protagonist finally becoming the man he is supposed to be. Dodging bullets and running across water. However, Remo's training is cut short when Wilford sends over papers requesting him to get info on some dude he's supposed to kill. The dude turns out to be a defense contractor who's making shitty weapons and selling them to the government. But he's a powerful dude cause if you cross him you usually disappear. Also this Major chick is doing some investigating of her own. She sees the weapons fail and questions the guy Grove about it. Grove sicks his boys on her, and they follow her to the Statue of Liberty. They try to kill Remo, but he does some fancy footwork atop the Statue and eludes them. He informs Wilford and Mac and they tell him if it all goes wrong they'll die and if he messes it up Chiun will kill him. 
So Remo and Mac dodge dogs and infiltrate a warehouse owned by Grove to check on the weapons and this satellite activates and is destroyed by a laser. Guards come out and capture Mac but not before he slips Remo a disc. Remo then escapes and Mac commits suicide rather than spill any beans to Grove's goons. Wilford confirms that HARP is a fake and Grove can be assassinated. So Remo goes to the weapons test facility and gets locked in a gas chamber with a goon and the Major. Remo kicks the goons ass and uses his diamond tooth to break the glass and escape. They find Chiun and steal a truck with no brakes. As it crashes, Remo and the Major jump out but Chiun can't. He escapes unscathed anyway. Then Remo takes on the bad guys riding a log flying through the air and making it drop onto a jeep. Anyway, I don't wanna give away the very end. But yes, you should check this one out. Its good 80s dude action fun.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Gerald Abernethy