Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Ice Pirates (1984)

"Space Herpes. Dormant form. uh - Keep away from heat and - uh - moisture. Extremely dangerous when activated. Antibody - oh boy - unknown." - Jason

"They don't castrate clergy. Just in case. Just in case there really is a god." - Killjoy

"I hope no one minds but I have no intention of facing this sober." - Zeno

This is a wild one. Pretty bad on purpose, we have a space ship full of thugs who go around in search of ice so they can have the ultimate key to life, water. That's it folks. The key to life is water. And air. You need air too. Water and air. And music. I don't think I could survive without music. One of Eidan Thorr's fav flicks- we have a young Ron Perlman, a young Anjelica Huston, Spenser For Hire himself Robert Ulrich, Bruce Vilanch, the football player dude who played Sloth in GOONIES, and a super hot Mary Crosby all star in THE ICE PIRATES!!!

Jason and Roscoe are the head pirates on a ship that is scouring the galaxy in search of ice. Its a hot commodity these days and so they plan attacks on these dudes called the Templars and regularly steal ice from them to melt down into an even rarer substance.... water. Only when the movie begins, these pirates bungle their raid and end up kidnapping a princess. Later they split up (literally their ship splits into three parts) but the Templars locate and rescue the princess. 
Luckily for Jason and Roscoe, the princess knows the Templars are hiding her father from her. He's the only dude in the galaxy who knows where the mysterious 7th planet is that is covered with water and has an atmosphere that regularly has rain showers "so we can take hot wet baths together". She rescues them from being castrated and turned into some sort of eunuch slaves. She disguises them as her servants and they split from the planet Mithra where she's essentially being held captive by hitching a ride with a pimp robot (years before Conan O'Brian had a pimpbot). 
So Jason and Roscoe and the princess meet up with the rest of the crew and get this frog lady to take them to see his buddy Lanky Nibbs. But Lanky is really old. He says he visited the 7th planet with the princess's father but ages like 20 years going thru a time warp. He tells them to go meet up with this robot who has a human head, but first they're attacked by other pirates in this radical real life MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE style vehicle. Then they travel to find the robot guy with the head. 
So then they get to the robot human head guy who is Bruce Villanch. And he's got an army of Amazon chicks on unicorns. I forgot about the fucking space herpes! That's a whole ALIEN tribute. And then Jason gets the princess pregnant. Then they find out the whole time the Templars were using them to gain access to the 7th planet. But they have to go through this time warp where they age years in minutes right when this huge battle starts. And the scene seems to go on forever in slow motion and sometimes in fast motion. Its really crazy. Jason and the princesses son is born in a minute and grows up to look exactly like Jason and begin battling these oncoming robots and templars. The heroes get too old to fight. Then it seems to all work out in the end and the Templars calculated wrongly and get lost forever in time. Its a pretty insane scene. The makeup is crazy, and it really pushes the whole movie over the top. As if it hadn't already gone there. If you dig space and time and cheese, you should look this one up. 

Friday, April 12, 2013

Gerald Abernethy