Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Escape To Witch Mountain (1975)

"That thing's flying upside down... That's impossible! That kind of vehicle *can't* fly upside down. It's not supposed to fly at all!" - Aristotle Bolt

"You're nothing but a pair of undersized land pirates!" - Jason O'Day

"Well, your wife died only a few months after you were married. And you were so sad. You took an oath that you'd never give your love to another woman, or to anyone. And you never have.... I'm sorry, Mr. O'Day." - Tia

I loved these movies as a kid. There were three of them based on a book by Alexander Key. There was a remake in 1995 for TV and a big budget semi-sequel made with The Rock in 2009. The first two original ones were the best though. The little girl is Paris Hilton's aunt. Hilarious. She was also the "hot chick" in MEATBALLS PART 2. An awesome little kids sci fi story, I present ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN!!!

When this film begins, we are presented with two small orphan children. Their foster parents have just perished somehow, and it seems to be a trend with the pair as we learn from unclear flashbacks that they've been in this situation before. Tia and Tony are taken to an orphanage where a red-headed bully gets treated to a dose of peculiar medicine from the strange siblings. Tia is telepathic and telekinetic and Tony is telekinetic when he plays his harmonica to help him concentrate. They find a weird map in Tia's "star" case pocketbook and they take it as a place they should try to get to. 

Tia keeps having flashbacks of some sort of shipwreck that they were involved in, and keeps remembering pieces of her memory that helps them fill in the missing pieces. She sees the future sometimes as well and Tony has super hearing. She helps this butler dude Trevanian not get hit by a car, and he tells his boss Aristotle Bolt that he thinks he's found some kids with superpowers. Bolt wants to use them to get richer and become more powerful himself. So he sends Trevanian to pretend to be their long lost uncle and adopt them. The kids are wary of him right away. Bolt spares no expense and treats them to anything they want. Only he keeps them pent up in his mansion where they can't run away. Only they can also pick locks and talk to animals so one slip up and they escape on a buck wild horse. 

Bolt freaks and sends Trevanian and some goons after them in his limo. The kids escape into town and find this old Irish widow named Jason O'Day. They hide out in his camper until he busts them. Well he actually busts their cat named Winkie, but then he finds them when Winkie knocks flour all over them. They know right away that he's a good dude and more bark than bite. Jason hears them out and helps them discover that they're not weird at all, they're just aliens. He helps them find the place on the map that is called Witch Mountain. It takes him a while to get there, and by now there are tons of cops all over California looking for them. He tries to drop them off near his brother's house, but a local sheriff sees them jump out and nabs them. They make short work of him in his local yokel hoosegow, and escape once again eventually meeting back up with Jason. 

The townies are after them thinking they are witches, the cops, Trevanian and now Bolt in a helicopter chasing them up the mountain. They stop at this one old motel and call this number and a dude answers and says he's their old uncle Ben'e. I just kept thinking about the dude from the box of rice. Then he says come to the mountain and be sure not to lose them because we want them to see what happens. So they let Bolt follow them up the mountain and then they get close and the Winnebago starts flying and then the helicopter is upside down and lands that way and the kids go meet up with Uncle Ben'e who looks like Uncle Jesse from THE DUKES OF HAZZARD, and then they fly away in a spaceship. THE END. Should you see this? Well if you like weird old creepy Disney movies then yes. This was one of the best. 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Gerald Abernethy