Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Vampire Hunter D (1985)

"I've lived for almost ten thousand years. Believe me you have no idea what that means: boredom. Everlasting and hideous boredom. A never ending search for ways to pass the time... and mating with a human female is one of the few I enjoy. - Count Magnus Lee

"My name's Doris Lang. Do you think you'll be able to help me? Don't worry, I can pay for it. I don't have much in the way of money, but I'll give you three meals a day, and you can sleep with me if you want to." - Doris

"Go back to the castle and tell Count Lee, visitors from the past shall return to the darkness once they came." - D

Pretty awesome stuff here. I've always found it hard to get into post apocalyptic anime. Growing up watching Voltron or Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, and whatever else sort of jaded me on a lot of them. Then of course you have the classics such as this or NINJA SCROLL or AKIRA and the like. I'd be letting you down if I didn't suffer the cheese. First impression is that if you come to this one not knowing anything about the Japanese books, the biggest question you're going to be left with is... WHY THE FUCK DOES D HAVE A TALKING LEFT HAND? AND why do they not explain it AT ALL? These questions and more will be asked when you watch VAMPIRE HUNTER D!!!

So this super hot young lady is living with her annoying much younger brother on a farm that is regularly attacked by werewolves. No one mentions this, but if you're a fan of the books you're supposed to know that its the year 12,000 something and that for the last 7000 years (give or take 100) vampires have lived and ruled the humans on Earth. They are called the "nobility". Well anyway, one night Doris is out protecting her farm from what she thinks is going to be a werewolf attack when an old grandfather vampire jumps out and bites her neck. The weird thing is he doesn't take her right away. He just leaves her. She also doesn't turn into a vampire right away. 

Then the son of the mayor, a jerk named Greco (think of the sons in BILLY JACK or THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN that cause so much trouble) is put in his place by Doris (who won't give him the time of day), but not before he finds out she's been bitten. Doris negotiates a deal with a rider who comes into town cloak flapping in the wind on the back of a robot horse. She offers him food, a bed, and her body in return. The guy's name is "D". He has a huge sword and we think he talks to himself, only we find out he's talking to A FACE THAT LIVES IN HIS HAND THAT SUCKS UP WIND LIKE A VACUUM. The hand chastises D for not porking Doris and we find out that D is half-man, half-vampire or a dhampir. D promises to look out for Doris and realizes quickly from his heightened senses that this vampire is a super old one that is super strong. 

Count Magnus Lee is a super old vampire who has a host of mutant weirdos that work for him and he also sends his proud snotty vampire daughter out to hunt for him. When he finds out that Doris has hired a hunter to protect her, his desire to marry her only grows by leaps. He sends a space warping mutie named Rei and his daughter to kill D. That doesn't go so well. But Rei doesn't give up. Count Lee gives him a candle that is supposed to take away vampires power, but its stolen by Greco. Greco uses it to try and kidnap Doris for himself. Rei finds him and fucks him up. D kills a bunch of Rei's pals. He rescues Doris the first time and then their doctor friend who is supposed to be helping them has been bitten by Lee's daughter and turns against Doris almost raping her himself. Also there's a ton of nudity with Doris showering and trying to get D to bang her. 

Finally we find out that Lee's daughter is half human half vampire too, and that she isn't as classy as she thinks. She becomes distraught and almost helps D and Doris. We also find out that D's father was Dracula and that's why he's so fucking strong and mystically powerful. We don't find shit out about his hand though. Then we have the big showdown between Count Lee and D. I'll save that for your viewing pleasure. And yes there's a sequel that came out fifteen years later. Should you see it? Yeah there are at least five to ten eighties anime flicks that everyone should check out. Find the whole thing on youtube and give it a go. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Gerald Abernethy