Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Snakes On A Plane (2006)

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! - Flynn

"We're in a 200-foot aluminum tube and we're 30,000 feet in the air. And any one of those slimy little pieces of shit can trip a circuit or a relay or a hydraulic and this bird goes down faster than a Thai hooker. So my job is to keep LAX informed on how totally screwed we are, and then find some way to keep this mother in the sky another two hours. Figure that out." - Rick

"Fuck Randy! Fuck Randy and his high score. That's my own brother, and I say, "Fuck him!"" - Troy

This is a ridiculous flick! The kind of thing where it seems like they either took a bunch of notecards with subjects on them and threw darts at a wall, or either they REALLY wanted to make a genre flick they reeked of the kind of thing producers got away with in the 70s. It took me long enough to take a look at it, but again, another example of something that may have not been worth it in the beginning, but perfect the older it gets. Like a fine wine, Samuel Jackson and Kenan Thompson star in SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!

During the beginning credits of this one, we see beautiful beaches and a dude hauling ass on a dirt bike around some island. Over and over he jumps until the shitty song ends and the movie starts. He comes up on a dude hanging from a bridge and some Asian dudes whooping his ass. Finally one of them blows the guy away, and he freaks and splits on his bike. The Asian dudes hear him getting away and the obvious boss tells them to get him and kill his ass. 
So he gets home and he's watching the news. Apparently he lives in Hawaii. Somehow he hears dudes about to bust into his house and kill him, he goes out onto his deck and Samuel Jackson says, "If you wanna live, shut up and do what I say." Then he shoots up the place and they escape. Samuel gives him a choice: Stay and get killed by this big time Asian gangster dude that they keep cutting to kicking everyone's ass and doing martial arts in his mansion.... OR go to LA and testify against this Eddie Kim gangster. Only problem? He's gotta survive till he gets there. This normally wouldn't be that big of a problem, they had a decoy plane and everything, but these gangsters were smart. They were in with the flight crew and loaded up crate after crate of every exotic snake known to man from all over the world and then put a bunch of "horny" snake hormone spray on the boxes of leis' that everyone would be wearing. BUMMER. 
So we get to know the flight attendants for a few minutes, the seemingly gay but not gay dude, the old lady, the attendant on her last ever flight, and the young hot chick. Once everyone is asleep, a couple jump in the loo and begin to join the mile high club (with the crew's approval!)- until the timed release lets the snakes loose and they begin creeping through the whole plane. The first to go? The naked couple in the shitter. Then yes- a dude's dick gets bit off by one. And then a fat lady gets it, and a baby almost gets it, a little brother gets bit, and a rapper's entourage member gets bit on the ass. Then one of the pilots and one of the federal agents gets it. The gas masks fall and a ton of snakes come out with them and kill a ton of passengers. The remaining ones crowd to the front and the top of the plane (I've flown tons of times and only maybe once {MAYBE} was on a plane with a second level. I can't even remember). Anyway, Samuel J to the rescue. 
So Sam J calls his dude on the ground and that dude finds a snake expert and they figure out that there isn't anywhere in the US where these snakes could be from. There is only one dude who could have them and/or the antidote. They figure all that out, while the remaining pilot is bitten but still survives. Then he gets killed. Then they shoot a hole in the plane, and then Kenan Thompson has to land the plane. This is a fucked up flick. I only have 2 problems with it. Number one doesn't even matter- the snakes were fake and they LOOKED fake. I WISH they LOOKED more real. I don't care if they're fake, I just wished they looked more real. Ok, number two: They never said shit about Eddie Kim or whatever his name was again. I guess everyone was so psyched they didn't die that he seemed like chump change. But he was the reason that all that happened. I wish they would have fucked his ass up. But they did little more than mention him at the end. Anyway, that is my beef with it. Other than that, great garbage! 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Gerald Abernethy