Bad/awesome flixxx review: Red Sonja (1985)

"No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight. " - Sonja
"So, the only man that can have you, is one who's trying to kill you. That's logic. " - Kalidor (Conan)

"*It will kill us all.* Majesty, what do you want? Our vaults are brimming with gold. Great kingdoms live in terror of us! *What more is there?* " - Ikol

"I don't need eyes to find you, I can smell you at a hundred paces!" - Sonja

This flick gets a LOT of shit. I was reading online that not only do people think that its shit, but they also don't like it because there's supposedly some part of the plot that says Red Sonja doesn't like Queen Gedren because Gedren wanted to bang her and because she rejected her sexual advances that for some reason that makes this a movie against lesbians or alternative lifestyles. I call bullshit. She just didn't want to bang Gedren! Gedren stole the fucking talisman and killed her sister and her sister's friends and was using it to take over the world. No one said that shit about BARBARELLA when she didn't want to get banged by the chick with the eye patch!! So, I don't believe the movie is intolerant, AND I don't believe its that bad of a flick. Starring Bridgette Nielsen in her first role ever, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sandal Bergman in a little film I like to call CONAN 3, I give you RED SONJA!!!

So in the beginning, Red Sonja is visited by this angel who gives her an arm that's really tough because she was raped by this chick Queen Gedren's guards after refusing Gedren's sexual advances. Here's where the controversy lies. I think she probably was less likely to want to get in a relationship with Gedren based MORE on the fact that she burned her family's village and had her troops RAPE Sonja MORE than the UNSTATED (possibly MADEUP) belief that homosexuality is evil. No where does it say that, and no where does it really lead us to believe that or give any facts showing support of this claim. Either way, now she has some power and goes to train with this Asian master swordsman. Actually, Red Sonja is more likened and chided for her hatred towards men (stemming from her rape). Meanwhile a church type building full of warrior nuns is about to throw a glowing idol called the Talisman into an eternal abyss because the head nun claims the Talisman's power is too great and is growing out of control, and may end up destroying the world it was used to create.

All of a sudden, Queen Gedren and her troops bust in and repel from the top of the tower of this holy joint and start duking it out with the battle nuns. They beat them mercifully, steal the Talisman, and throw the nuns into the very abyss they were going to snuff the Talisman with. Only one chick escapes and she's mortally wounded. She just so happens to be Red Sonja's sister, and Conan (called Kalidor in this movie only at the very end of the production! This was supposed to be Conan) just so happens to come along and take her to Red Sonja. So the sister before dying manages to get the message to Sonja telling her she must destroy the Talisman at all costs.

So Conan tries to help Sonja but she says no way. She sees a storm in the distance and knows it Gedren. She goes to the destroyed town of Haberk and meets Prince Tarn a young jerky lil prince and his protector Falkon. He offers Sonja a place in his new army to go fight Gedren as a cook (even though his army is just him and Falkon). She tells him he's a little jerk and splits. Then she fights some mountain assholes with a little help from Conan who's been following her. It turns out that Conan likes super tall warrior redheads. Me too. So they catch up with the Prince and Falkon and help them out of a tight spot. Then they head to Gedren's castle. She conjurs a storm that forces them to find refuge in a cave. Greedy Prince Tarn forces Falkon to steal a pearl eye out of a statue that makes a giant fish robot attack all of them, and it takes all of them to help Conan (Kalidor) blind the thing so it would finally stop its watery rampage.

Conan tries to bang Sonja but she won't let him until he bests her with a sword. They try until they wear themselves out and then fall asleep for the night. The next day they approach the castle telling Tarn to stay behind. They fight guards and then Tarn who snuck in accidentally kills the cautious head of Gedren's army Ikol. The Talisman's power gets so wild that it actually starts breaking the castle apart. Sonja and Gedren battle in the throne room until Sonja finally bests her and throws her in a fiery lava river below the castle. Then she throws in the Talisman and they have to spend the next 15 minutes trying to leave the castle. The only way they can is thanks to Tarn who helps them out twice. Good thing he came in the longrun. Then finally Sonja and Conan smooch. Tarn and Falkon roll their eyes. Apparently so does a generation. I liked it. Should you watch this? ONLY if you have already seen the first 2 Conan movies, OR have an obsession with super tall hot redheads who could kill you if they wanted to.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Gerald Abernethy