bad/awesome flixxx review: Labyrinth (1986)


"Oh, believe me, that's enough! But the worst thing is, if you so much as set a foot in the Bog of Stench, you'll smell bad for the rest of your life. It'll never wash off." - Hoggle

"It's a crystal. Nothing more. But if you turn it this way and look into it, it will show you your dreams. But this is not a gift for an ordinary girl who takes care of a screaming baby." - Jareth

"*Everything*! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for *you*! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?" - Jareth

Jareth: You remind me of the babe. 
Goblin: What babe? 
Jareth: The babe with the power. 
Goblin: What power? 
Jareth: The power of voodoo. 
Goblin: Who do? 
Jareth: You do. 
Goblin: Do what? 
Jareth: Remind me of the babe. (BEGINNING OF THE WORST SONG IN HISTORY...or nearabouts)

So, here we have the 2nd collaboration between George Lucas and Jim Henson (a personal hero). First they did THE DARK CRYSTAL, and then they pulled this "similar in its dark mysticism" flick off- only this time using real live humans. AND they used a chick who would become a world class hottie as of her appearance in CAREER OPPORTUNITIES (Check THAT one out! That whitey tighty shirt on her big bust is essential teen fantasy cream dream type shit. But I digress), Jennifer Connelly!!! And some dude named David Bowie starring in LABYRINTH!!!!

This one will probably be in the "best of childhood" category for a bunch of characters out there. I'd have to say that I remember this one fondly, however, I don't want to blow it out of proportion. Upon reviewing it after all these years, it REALLY reminds me of THE WIZARD OF OZ. However, it stands alone on its own merits specifically The Henson families unbelievable talent. They built their biggest muppet ever on this one, and designed and developed new technology just to pull off many of the scenes and stunts. The plot is as follows. A young girl, tired of how her stepmother is constantly treating her like shit, and making her do (very ordinary, typical) things that girls have to do, chants a spell out of an old fairytale book, unknowingly unleashing very real goblins to dispatch to her home and kidnap her baby brother and take him away to "Jareth" the Goblin King. What a little bitch! That's the lesson here, kids today are so goddamned spoiled that they should be faced with losing something (perhaps a sibling) for all their horseshit and bellowing.

So, when the baby disappears, Jareth gives her the option to get her baby brother back but she'll have to solve his personal garden labyrinth first, AND she only has 13 hours to do it in. So she's transported to this thing and she meets this grumpy little asshole named Hoggle and he's pissing in a creek. I loved that part as a kid. He tells her he can't help her, but she splits anyway, and almost figures out the right path by way of a worm, but it warns her against going to where she wants to go. Then Hoggle tries to help her out but he's scared he'll piss off Jareth and become the Prince of the Bog of Stench. So he's a spineless little asshole to boot. Then they meet this big monster dude named Ludo who can summon rocks up from the ground.

Then she sort of get separated from her gang and these reggae chicken kangaroo things called the Fire Gang who can take their heads and legs and arms off try to do the same to her, and she barely escapes them. Then her and Hoggle meet up with Ludo at the Bog of Eternal Stench and meet another little fox dude named Sir Didamus who rides on a real dog. Its pretty funny. So then Hoggle- the little jerk- reluctantly gives Sarah a peach that makes her pass out and go into a floating ball and it transports her to a ballroom where Jareth (who is definitely way older than her) tries to seduce this 13-14 year old. FUCKED UP. But then a clock strikes and she remembers she's supposed to be saving her brother, not dry humping 40 something androgenous rock stars. So she's transported back to her Wizard of Oz type gang and they find the goblin city and get in a fight with a bunch of goblins. This huge brick wall Muppet tries to axe them to death, but betrayer Hoggle comes to the rescue and jumps on its head sending it crashing (bickkedy-bam) to the ground.

Then Sarah goes to find her brother and she finds him crawling around and Jareth singing a bad song in MC Esher's staircase room. ARTISTIC. So Jareth just ups and asks her to spend eternity with him, but she recites some old poem that she finally remembers, the last line being- "you have no power over me". Then finally she gets back and she's not mad at her step mother and then she parties in her room with the muppets, and then Jareth is in owl mode outside the window, and then spurned, he flies away into the night. Should you see this? You already should have.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Gerald Abernethy