Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Jaws (1975)

"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity." - Quint

"Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go... I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten... $10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing." - Quint

"You're gonna need a bigger boat." - Brody

This is an unbelievable flick. If you haven't seen this in a long time, or just think of this as "some cheesy shark movie from the 70s" you really owe it to yourself to check this out. Its an actual HORROR movie that is really SCARY. Its scary in a different way than monster flicks or satan flicks or zombie flicks (if those ever scared you at all anyway). Its scary because there really are sharks out there. And they occasionally eat people who are unfortunate enough to get in their way. Robert Shaw, Richard Dreyfuss, and Roy Schneider star in JAWS!!!

So in the beginning these beach hippies are partying and this one chick gives this dude the eye and telepathically tells him- "let's fuck in the water", so they take off, and before he can even get in the drink, she's getting chomped up by something down below. The head jerk is COMPLETELY gnarly and famously scary. Cut to an island police chief who knows something bad has happened, but instead of being able to close off the beaches, the mayor puts the kibosh on that and says no way. Its a summer town and they'll be broke if they do that. So they say it was a boating accident. Then this chicks son gets killed and she slaps his face cause she found out he was lying and he wishes he never pulled that boat shit. 

So now everyone is up in arms, but the mayor still won't give in. A bunch of fisherman go out and catch a medium sized tiger shark and the mayor claims that MUST be it. But a wildlife expert comes in and tells them that there's no way that girl was eaten by a small shark. It only takes him five minutes to determine that they're dealing with a real monster. He calls it a great white. This crazy old fisherman claims he can catch it all for them if they pay him $10000. The mayor declines in the beginning. Then the cop and the expert find a fisherman's boat and a shark tooth and a dead guy. The mayor won't believe them though because Richard Dreyfuss dropped the tooth. 

So on the 4th of July a bunch of fisherman and coast guard dudes are on patrol in the ocean, but no one is getting in the water. The mayor gets some old dude to go in and everyone reluctantly enter the water. But then some kids scare everyone by swimming with a fin on. Everyone relaxes after they think its a hoax and then five minutes later the real shark comes out in the bay and bites a small boat in half, almost killing the cops kid and then it eats another man. Finally the mayor says hire the crazy captain and kill the thing. The captain is a real asshole, but even though he wants to go alone, the cop and the expert convince him to let them come along to catch it. 

So they get out in the water. The cop throws out bait, the expert drives, and the captain captains. They eventually see the big bastard. They estimate it to be at least 25 feet long. The captain harpoons it and gets a barrel stuck to it, but it disappears. They get drunk and the captain tells one of the roughest most gruesome 5 minute stories ever. Then they battle this shark in one of my top 5 gnarliest scenes ever. I won't tell you what happens except for that its great. Go revisit this one even if you're an old fan. Its a really good watch that still holds up.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Gerald Abernethy