Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

"I'm very rich. Nothing offends me. I mean, no shit, honey. You got a whip sticking out of your ass and a guy that's fucking barking." - Ford Fairlane

"You got to shave before you leave the house in a dress like that... and I don't mean your legs." - 

"I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story." - Ford Fairlane

Here we have a pretty classic bad movie. Ultimately panned by everyone, and I feel thats a pretty big injustice. See the Diceman had it rough as he started gaining popularity in the 80s. Everyone was on his ass about his masoginistic attitude towards women and sometimes racist or homophobic stand up. And I'm the first one to jump down someone's throat when they seriously start pulling that shit, but this guy was playing a character that said things to get laughs- in the 1980s! Almost every movie from a certain era that I review on here has some homophobic slang in it that wouldn't fly now. Either way, this movie is hilarious and has an insane amount of people in it: Wayne Newton, Pricilla Presley, Morris Day, Gilbert Gottfried, Freddy Kruger, Tone Loc, Sheila E, Ed O'Neil, Vince Neil, and Andrew Dice Fucking Clay in THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE!!!

So this band called Black Plague is jamming, and their singer Bobby Black (Vince Neil) ziplines in and then chokes to death on stage. Our hero is going about his daily business which just so happens to be rocknroll detective. He makes sexist quips, bangs chicks, and solves crimes. His old college buddy is a shock jock DJ in LA who calls him down to look for his "daughter" Zuzu Petals. Then as Ford is leaving, someone electrocutes "Johnny Crunch" (Gottfried) and the local police chief (O'Neill) expects Ford has something to do with it. 

Ford's money burned up in a fire that happened after the electrocution, so he's still broke and trying to figure out how to pay the bills that are piling up. Suddenly Elvis's ex wife shows up and asks him to search for the same little girl. She's rich and snobby. He takes the case and goes to ask his buddy Morris Day what he knows in the studio and meets Julian Grendel (Newton) a pretty shady record exec. Then Ford goes to check out Johnny's houseboat and it turns out Johnny was banging Pricilla Presley. Then Freddy Kruger jumps out and tries to kill him and the boat sinks. Now Ford knows he's on to something. So he goes to Bobby Black's funeral searching for ZuZu, and finds her. But Freddy Kruger is there and tries to kill him. They have an insane chase THROUGH A GRAVEYARD. And then O'Neil tries to nail him again, but he's got nothing on him. 

Ford gets his hot assistant to come to a party over at Pricilla's house and Pricilla, even though she's a bitch, doesn't turn into the suspect that Ford thinks she is. In fact she gives some sort of disc to Jazz, the assistant. They split. Then Ford's house gets broken into, and they hang his koala. Oh yeah, he owns a koala. Then they blow up his house. Zuzu had a second disc, so they know something's up with them, and Jazz figures out they need three of them to blow the case open. 

I can't remember how but they catch Ford up in the top of the Capitol Records building and they're gonna kill him, but he and Zuzu climb out of a window and climb all the way down, all the while fighting goons and Freddy Kruger. Then somewhere along the way, he ends up at a sorority house, and theres an unbelievable amount of hot 80s chicks there working out and stretching. CLASSY. Then they go to find the last disc and fight the badguys at the end. But Ill let you check that part out yourself. Andrew Dice Clay is the only comedian in history to ever sell out Madison Square Garden two nights in row. I'm not saying he's the best comedian, or even a GREAT comedian. I'm just saying that's impressive, and with so many cameos, at one time, he was on top of the world. Yes, you should give this one a spin. 

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Gerald Abernethy