bad/awesome flixxx review: Battle Beyond The Stars (1980)

"NO! Wait. Listen to the rest of it: I sleep with my back to the wall - when I CAN sleep. I eat serpents seven times a week. There's not a major city in this galaxy where I can show my face, or spend my wealth. Right now, your offer looks very attractive to me... A meal, and a place to hide." - Gelt

"I thought I had the honor of making that form extinct, long ago! I won't fail this time! Here I come, Cayman of the Lambda Zone!" - Sador

"You see, there is only one Nestor, one consciousness. As you might imagine, this has proven very lonely, very dull. We must avoid becoming... we believe you have a phrase for it... becoming "bored to death." - Nestor 1

Here we go. A little piece of magic from my second favorite producer, Roger Corman. This is an amazing "space" version of THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, which was itself a remake of Kurosawa's THE SEVEN SAMURAI. It has an unbelievable ensemble cast including George Peppard (A-Team), Robert Vaughn, John Saxon, Sybil Danning, and John Boy from the Waltons (and IT). If you love cheesy sci fi, dig in brother. All of those characters are about to have a BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS!!!

ok, so this badass dude named Sabor of the Malmori picks out this defenseless planet and rolls his bigass ship right up to them and announces that he is taking over and they can't do anything about it. But, he'll be right back because he's got some other shit to do. So you better be cool to I get back to rule you. So, like anyone who wasn't a complete moron would do, the only old tough guy on the planet tells John Boy to get in his old ship and go find some mercenaries to fight for them since they are all pacifists. So he says cool and goes to find the old tuff guys old partner who repairs androids on some planet nearby

First lesson "Shad" must learn is that he can't be a pussy forever. "Nell" the spaceship shows him if he doesn't shoot back he's going to get his ass blown off. So they reach the first planet and the old dude's bro is now an android with a human head. But the good news is he wants Shad to bang his hot daughter. She jumps in a ship to come help Shad. Then its off and Shad meets Cowboy (Peppard) the coolest dude in the flick and the only Earthling. He drinks whiskey and sings old western jams and gives one liners. Then they find this group of dudes that are really one dudes. The clones called Nestor. 

Then Shad goes and finds this badass dude Gelt. He is basically Robert Vaughn's same character from THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. And then this tiny hot Valkyrie finds them and wants to fight somebody, so eventually they let her. John Boy's chick gets this lizard man and two small thermonuclear dudes named Kelvin to help them and they all meet up and start heading toward Shad's planet. 

Sador sends troops on the ground. Cowboy gives them guns to fight Sador's troops. Then the battle in the sky gets wild. One by one each of the mercenary's dies helping push the tide in planet Akir's favor. Finally trapped, John Boy decides to blow his ship up right into Sador's ship, and splits in an escape pod. Should you worry about seeing this? Is it essential? No, but its pretty damn good. I mean the cast alone should get you psyched to check this one out. Get a pizza, or some chocolate, maybe some popcorn. Get into it. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Gerald Abernethy