bad/awesome flixxx review: Heathers (1988)

"Shut up, Paul. Now I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exibits involving tennis rackets. But this suicide thing... guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength." - Principal

"I don't patronize bunny rabbits." - Veronica's dad

"My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son." - Kurt's dad

"You go to the zoo and you get a lion. Stick a remote control bomb up it's butt... push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one." - Heavy metal parking lot dude

"Get crucial! She was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers! " - Heather Duke

"My God, suicide. Why?" - Cop #1
"Does *this* answer your question?" [holds up bottle of mineral water found next to one of the bodies] - Cop #2
"Oh man! They were fags?" - Cop #1

Whoa! What a wild flick. This was way headier than I remember. Pretty dark humor with some language that would TOTALLY not fly anymore. Its funny how many flicks from the 80s threw around the word "fags" like it was no big deal. The same can be said about that certain other racist epithet that I don't use that was used in MANY prime time television shows in the 70s. Strange how our language changes as the times change. I don't use those words because I don't promote hate speech. I'd say that more often than not they are used in an offensive manner, so I think its best to steer clear. This flick was made in a time where it was deemed humorous. I actually never watched this one all the way through until last night. Or really, If I did, I was pretty stoned or maybe it was a pass out or make out type situation where you never get through it. I knew enough, but never was sure if this was "classic" or "cult" material or not. I did know a ton of my friends have always loved it. So here it is- Christian Slater, Winona Ryder, & Shannon Doherty in HEATHERS!!!!

The film starts out with the 4 most popular girls of a rich Ohio high school playing croquet. Three of them are named Heather and the narrator/protagonist is named Veronica. One Heather is the leader, one is a cheerleader and one is a bulimic follower. The Heathers are total bitches to everyone in school yet they are the most popular. You can tell that Veronica grows tired of their bullshit yet she is still caught up in their games of hurting others feeling and basically bullying everyone else in school. A new kid, JD (Slater) shows up at school and he's clearly disgusted by the Heathers disregard for anyone else's feelings. Veronica falls for him, and so begins her journey to pull herself away from the Heathers gravitational pull.

The main Heather takes Veronica to a college party and they meet up with two college dudes who clearly just want to fuck them. Its pretty disgusting watching this as an adult, knowing that these college dudes are just out to bang these underage high school girls. It would have been different watching when I was in high school, and probably not too frowned upon to go after a 17 year old chick if you're 19 or 20... But- If you're 19 or 20 weren't you going after 22-24.... Aren't you still going after like the "24"s ? Seems like a prime number. Anyway, these dudes didn't even try to hide the fact that they didn't give a shit, they just wanted to "get laid". Veronica was over it very quickly, and she puked just thinking about how gross the whole situation was. Heather was pissed, and they cuss each other out, and Veronica goes home, writes in her diary, and fantasizes about killing Heather. She even says, "I'll be kissing her ass tomorrow...." knowing that she is hooked on the high of teenage popularity. JD has other plans.

Shortly after she crawls in bed, JD comes rap rap rapping at yonder window and they fuck in the garden. Next morning they break into Heather's house to "make her puke". JD pours some Draino in a cup and gives it to her. She drops dead crashing through her glass coffee table. They freak out and JD gets Veronica to use her superb handwriting skills to forge a suicide note. The ruse fools everyone except instead of making everyone realize how crass and shitty she was, everyone begins to think that Heather was misunderstood and exceptional and she becomes a sort of martyr (much to JD and V's surprise). A few days later, the two main football goons spread a rumor that Veronica took both of them in her mouth when she went on a double date with cheerleader Heather. She's pissed and wants to get revenge. JD helps her plot to shoot them with fake bullets that will make it seem like they're dead. Which was bullshit. He loads the pistols with real bullets and we start to get the feeling that JD is a fucking creep. Plus his dad has some super issues... and the dialogue between them is uncomfortably funny. They both say what they want the other to say to them. again...CREEPY. So they meet up at dawn... The jocks strip and they shoot them, but Ram almost gets away. JD gets them, but two stoner cops almost catch them. Everyone is appalled because V and JD frame them to be two closet gay teens.

Ok, so bulimic Heather becomes the new leader bully bitch Heather, V gets pissed at JD for knowing the bullets were real, the saddest chick in school (Martha Dumptruck) tries to kill herself, and cheerleader Heather calls up a local teen call in show called HOT PROBS and says she's thinking of offing herself. New bitch Heather tells the whole school and V has to end up keeping her from killing herself in the bathroom. JD blackmails new bitch Heather to pass around a petition to get a national band BIG FUN to play their prom with some devious motives behind it. Veronica is so fed up with him that she fakes her own death. He actually buys it, and reveals that the petition was really a faked suicide note from the whole school and he planned on blowing it up the next day. HEAVY. She gets down after he splits and sets about foiling his plans. She tries to shoot him, but he knocks the shit out of her in the boiler room and then she hits him with a fire extinguisher and shoots him for not turning the bomb off, but he stabs it with a knife or screwdriver and stops it accidentally. As she's leaving he shows up at the front door with the bomb and asks her what she'll do with her new life, and then he blows up. Then she takes the red scrunchie from bitch Heather indicating that she's the new sheriff in town, lights up a smoke and asks Martha Dumptruck to hang out for a movie night. Then Martha rides her mobility scooter around in a circle. Happy ending. Should you watch this? YES. With peppered popcorn, salted chocolate, a good bud, and follow it up with THE CROW.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Gerald Abernethy