bad/awesome flixxx review: Hollow Man (2000)

"You know what, Matt? It's amazing what you can do... when you don't have to look at yourself in the mirror any more." - Sebastian

"My 5th grade teacher told me, that "Genius is the ability to go from A to D without having to go through B and C." Sebastian can do that, but for me, I gotta have the B and C." - Matt

"No come on this is a good one. Superman's flying around metropolis and he's horny as hell. He's checking out the rooftops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there buck naked and spread eagle. Looks like she wants to get fucked right? So Superman starts thinking to himself, "Man I gotta get myself some of that wonderpussy." and then he realizes that he can fly down, do a little fast pumping and be gone before she even sees him. Because he's Superman. he's faster than a speeding bullet, right? So Superman, he swoops down, he fucks her so quick, she doesn't even see him. Wonderwoman sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?" and The Invisible Man says "I don't know but my asshole is killing me." That's funny right?" - Sebastian

This flick has been on my list to review since I began going back through all these things. I remembered being SO excited for it, I don't know why, maybe because the effects were supposed to be really good, or maybe because I really liked MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN with Chevy Chase. Which was another John Carpenter joint. Anyway, who knows why I wanted to see this- I'm not that big on Kevin Bacon, and this was several years before Josh Brolin became a bigshit actor again. Either way, it has them, and Elisabeth Shue, directed by Paul Verhoeven (ROBOCOP, STARSHIP TROOPERS, TOTAL RECALL, BASIC INSTINCT), (oh and a very small cameo by smoking hot Rhona Mitra!!)- I give you HOLLOWMAN!!!

So when this one begins, we have Sebastian Cane (Bacon), a self-centered, egomaniac genius scientist who is working very hard to figure out how to create a serum that will reverse the effects of an invisibility serum that he has already successfully created. He has been working with a team of scientists for the government in association with the military. He conned them into funding the project with no intention of anyone ever being in charge of the serum but himself. One night he finally figures out how to reconstruct the DNA and keep the ingredients in the serum to where they won't make the biomolecular makeup of the subject break down and basically explode. This is very important. He has been testing the invisibility serum on various gorillas, monkeys, and dogs. So when he figures it out, he calls his crew and tells them to prep the lab and call the Nobel Peace prize guys. The next day they try to bring their big gorilla back from invisible land. It works, but with heavy "oh shit" moments where you think the poor creature's heart is going to explode. BUT- they do it.

Ok, so Cane has never gotten over his ex chick who happens to be like second in command on his team of scientists. He has plans from the beginning to win her back with his super genius skills and fuck her in celebration of their cracking of the code. Little does he know that she has been fucking the 3rd scientist in command (Brolin). Matt (Brolin) has been telling Linda (Shue) that they should tell Sebastian all along, but for some sick reason, she never does. Maybe in her head she's keeping her options open in the beginning, but we see her notice from the get go that Sebastian is slowing losing what marbles he has left. Meanwhile, Sebastian goes back to the generals and tells them that he is CLOSE to reaching a breakthrough, when he's already done it. His explanation to his colleagues is that if he tells the generals they did it, then they will take all that hard work out of their hands and they'll get no credit whatsoever. So he decides right then that he is going to be the first human test subject the very next day. Against all the scientists better judgement, he convinces them and they shoot him up with the serum.

Its rough on him going through the process. He's screaming that it burns and then he passes out from pain. But then he sleeps for 17 hours. When he wakes up he's his usual cocky self. He gets tested for three days and then they try to turn him back and it fails, and almost kills him. So like 10 days into it, he starts freaking out and getting angry as hell with everyone. He complains that they are keeping him cooped up and won't let him use his "gift". But they know there's no way in hell they should let his ass out. Matt comes up with what he thinks will turn Sebastian back, but it fails, and only makes him madder. Even though they won't let him out, Sebastian is crafty and sneaky, and the first time, he just tells the one guy, fuck you, i'm going out for books and twinkies. He goes home, and sees his hot neighbor that he's always spying on, and he says fuck it, and goes and rapes her. Now, we assume that. Its pretty safe to say that its implied. It DOESN'T say he kills her. But it never really says anything about it again at all. However, I've seen DOOMSDAY, and I know for a fact that Rhona Mitra is a bad motherfucker. And in my mind's pseudo reality Kevin Bacon would've had a hardass time getting anywhere with her. Unless of course he caught her off guard naked and defenseless and he was invisible- ok, ya got me. His dirty Superman/Wonder Woman story comes full circle here. Anyway, he goes back to the lab, acts like nothing happened, and all the scientists are pissed off, and confine him to his quarters. He makes a loop of his own heat sensor making it look like he's in bed (a la HUDSON HAWK, a la every movie with a video monitoring system in it ever made) and sneaks out and busts Linda and Matt fucking. He then snaps and (justifiably) throws a brick through her window. He then apparently has been pushed to the point of no return as we witness him sling an invisible dog against its cage killing it deader than hell. The team watch a video of this and Matt and Linda go to tattle to the general dude.

Unbeknownst to them, Sebastian followed them and after they split (being fired for what they've taken part it) Sebastian drowns the military boss guy (his ex teacher). He then goes back to the lab and has it rigged so that none of the other scientists can leave, trapping them down their with him so he can take care of them and sneak off invisible and care free. He then hunts them down one by one. First he strangles the black chick. I identify her by that because I don't remember her name, and she is the only African American cast member. Then Matt and the "buddy" guy go after him with heat vision goggles. Matt shoots a heat vent and Sebastian is strangling the "buddy" scientist. Matt makes him drop the buddy who busts his head open so bad that the floor is covered in blood. GROSS. Then Sebastian ALMOST kills Matt. The vet chick and the nerd scientist find the buddy guy and the vet chick goes to get blood for a transfusion. She gets scared and throws the blood all over the floor and then covers Sebastian in it and it looks cool. But he snaps her neck and touches her tits (again). Buddy guy dies, and the remaining 3 go to find vet chick. They find her dead in freezer, and Sebastian jumps out and stabs nerd in back with a crowbar and THEN goes for a record by stabbing Matt too, but doesn't kill him. So he says fuck it and locks Linda and a dying Matt in the freezer, turns it down to like neg 100, and then sets up destroying the lab with centrifuges of nitroglycerin. Ok- here's where you must stretch your imagination to its brink- Linda creates a goddamn electromagnet out of a fucking defibulator and some other Macguyver type shit and somehow opens the freezer door. She is a scientist I guess... Then she runs out JUST as Sebastian was escaping and fucks his ass up bigtime with a homemade FLAMETHROWER! Who is this bitch??? He's freaking out as the fire is burning his invisible skin. He's getting away, and then she triggers the sprinklers. Then he almost gets her again, but fucking Matt shows up and konks Sebastian in the head with the crowbar and he slams into a electrical box and gets electrocuted. HEAVY!! Meanwhile they bust ass climbing up the elevator shaft so that they don't get burned up when the lab blows sky high, and sure enough, skeleton & muscles visible, Sebastian grabs her foot on the ladder and pulls her down on top of the elevator. He goes for one last kiss, but then she unhooks the elevator car and he falls into a hellish swirl of fire and chemical toxins. Then the 2 lovers ascend to the waiting arms of cops and medics. Should you see this? Fuck yes. There's a direct to video sequel out there as well, and I'm on the lookout for it.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Gerald Abernethy