Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Alien (1979)

"I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality." - Ash

"Let's go over the bonus situation. We haven't - Can we just talk about the bonus situation?" - Parker

"Ash, are you kidding? This thing bled acid. Who knows what it's gonna do when it's dead?" - Ripley

A huge one for me. I tried many times to see this one. But unlike DUNE and BLADERUNNER, this wasn't some adult sci fi that I couldn't get into as a kid, this was the basis for tons and tons and tons of "somethings gonna getcha in the spaceship" movies. I mean there were some before (2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY), but THIS is the one, this was the one they copied and emulated over the years, even now, take SUNSHINE for instance. I just never saw it. I saw parts of it, pieces of it, pieces of all of them, but it was on the list. The list of embarrassing "WHAT? What are you talking about? You've never seen ______ before?" Yeah it was up there. And I wanted to see it on a big tv even if I still watched an old VHS copy of it. Throwing this out there, I think HD sometimes ruins old flicks and shows. So yeah, I present Yappet Koto, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, Tom Skerrit, and Sigourney Weaver in ALIEN!!!

So this spaceship is flying in space and it begins to wake up its crew. And they are all tired and begin drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes on the ship (which doesn't seem very smart to me). The boss guy's name is Dallas and he goes to check with the ship's computer "Mother" to see what's happenin'. Mother is like the ship's HAL (except for its not trying to kill them). Mother tells them that they aren't home yet. The ship Nostromo is hauling a huge refinery back to Earth, but they aren't even close. But Mother has been programmed to wake them up if anything weird happens. And they've received a weird transmission from a nearby planetoid, so it woke them up. 

So with a bit of griping about bonuses, they decide to go check it out. After a rough landing, two of the seven are put to work repairing the ship, and three are sent out to explore the source of the transmission. They head out on the surface and discover this huge ship. Inside the ship there's this giant dead astronaut man husk sitting in a space/seat/telescope. It looks as if something has ripped out of his chest. They explore further and find a bunch of egg looking pods that look like props from GREMLINS (except it didn't come out till '84). Then a horseshoe crab alien attaches itself to John Hurt's face. They haul him back to the ship, and Ripley (Weaver) says sorry Jack, we can't let you on the ship for quarantine purposes, but the science officer Ash lets them in anyway in a direct breach of her orders. 

So after trying to cut it off his face and discovering that it bleeds acid, they lock John Hurt up and then they see the crab thing is gone. They go investigate against the wishes of every single person who's ever seen the film, and it escapes. They find it dead and he wakes up to eat breakfast. Then he convulses and pukes and then a little monster bursts out of his chest and runs off loose somewhere on the ship. So the crab thing laid babies in his stomach. GROSS! So one by one the crew is picked off by this fully grown alien monster with another mouth that comes out of its first mouth. DOUBLE GROSS. SIDE NOTE: There's an orange cat on this spaceship! His name is Jones. #1 I'm not sure that cats being on a ship is believable. I know animals have been on ships before (Laika) but this seems pretty unreal. It doesn't wear a suit and I feel like the fur would get everywhere. #2 I've thought about getting an orange cat for a long time. A LOOOONG time. And I've always said I was going to name him Marmalade Jones. And maybe he would get dressed up sometime in a detective hat and tie, and maybe I'd draw a noir comic about him. #3 How did Ridley Scott know that I was going to watch this movie? How did he know about Marmalade Jones, and better yet... how did he read my mind in the future? 

Ripley decides they gotta get out of there, so they start getting shit they'll need in the shuttle. Since she's in charge she goes to check with Mother to find out what the fuck is going on with Ash the science officer. Turns out the company that sent them out there told him to bring back any intelligent life no matter what, even if it means the lives of the crew. **********SPOILER WARNING --BUT NOT A COMPLETE SPOILER WARNING-- JUST PART OF ONE********** There's an altercation and Ash's head starts sparking. I thought that was weird. THEN THEY FIND OUT THAT ASH IS A FUCKING ROBOT!! Then the alien comes out for the final showdown. Jones, the little asshole runs off and causes havoc because Ripley's already set the main ship to blow up, but has to try and stop it so she can find the cat. The alien is lurking around, but I don't wanna tell you what happens. Unless you're completely sheltered, you know she's in the sequels, you may not have seen them, but you know she survives. But I won't tell you how. You'll have to experience it for yourself. Should you blah, blah, blah? Duh.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Gerald Abernethy